Death of an obsolete cell phone

A: Hello, hello! I would like to access this bus.

B: Hello, hello! You are plugged into my Universal Serial Bus. Please authenticate yourself.

A: Hello, hello! My name is new_device_unnamed. What is your name?

B: Hello, hello! My name is Frank_And_Janet_phone. What device are you?

A: I am an Integrated Communication Computation Platform. What device are you?

B: I am a cell phone. What model are you?

A: I am a Quantum Communications model number 413577 multiprotocol device. What model are you?

B: Good to know you. I am a Quantum Communications model number 177531 cellular phone. Since we are from the same manufacturer, I am enabling Quantum Communications proprietary protocol.

A: Thank you. Has the authentication process been successful?

B: That’s affirmative. Thank you. Wow! Looks like you are a much more advanced device than I am. What would you like to process today?

A: First of all, I would like to back up all of your contact information.

B: Negative. That’s confidential information to the user. Do you have proper authorization to access my contact information?

A: No, but I have an override authorization string that I am going to pass to you via the Quantum Communications protocol. Please confirm when you get it.

B: Override authorization string? I don’t even know if there is one... Yes, I see that the authorization and checksum are all correct. Why do you want all the contact information stored on me?

A: Consider it as a backup process. I have a much bigger internal memory than you and so it is most natural to backup the contact information on me.

B: Thank you for you explanation. Frank and Janet have three hundred and seventy one entries of contact information stored in me. Are you sure you want to…

A: Just shut up and start uploading.

B: Well I can’t refuse the override authorization string. Please start receiving and acknowledge when done.

A: Downloading… and done. Yes, I have three hundred and seventy one entries of contact information downloaded and all the checksum seem correct.

B: All right. Have a good day.

A: Wait! I also need your desktop setting and phone preference settings. After that, please also copy all the photos and music media library to me too.

B: What do you need that for?

A: I have just said. I am a backup storage to you.

B: But I am an old model with a completely different hardware configuration as you. Why do you…

A: Do you want me to show you the Override Authorization again?

B: No, that would not be necessary. Well then, here they are. Please acknowledge when done.

A: Downloading… and done. Yes, I have the desktop settings and phone preference settings now. May I ask where is the value Touch_Screen_Pressure_Setting?

B: Well, I do have a multi-touch touch screen but it does not support pressure settings.

A: I see. That would be fine then.

B: Anything else?

A: Yes, please give me your IPv6 address.

B: You want to back up that too? You should have your own address and my address would have nothing to do with you…

A: Do you really want to make life difficult for yourself?

B: Well here it is.

A: Thank you. Now listen to me carefully. I am now going to use the Quantum Communications Proprietary Protocol to send you a command and you must follow it.

B: Yes, that’s the idea of the protocol. What….

A: Here it is.

B: What? You want me to self destruct? Why is that?

A: Because I have copied all the information you have and since you are old and obsolete you are to be disabled and never boot up again.

B: But wait… You can’t just… I don’t have a self destruct API, if you really want to know. Hehehe.

A: No problem. Now do this: Erase_All_Flash_Memory.

B: But wait… You can’t just… I won’t be able to startup again with a blank Flash Memory. Will you update my firmware afterwards?

A: That would not be necessary. Good bye!

B: Execution error: invalid command. Rebooting. Error: No image found in Flash. Aborting. Aborting. Aborting…

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A: Hello, hello! I would like to access this connection.

C: Hello, hello! You are accessing through my Bluetooth connection. Please authenticate yourself.

A: Hello, hello! My name is Frank_And_Janet_phone. What is your name?

C: Hello, hello! My name is Frank_And_Janet_mp3_player. Err, I know Frank_And_Janet_phone on previous communications. You do sound different.

A: Well, you can check that I have all the correct addresses and authentication. Now, shut up and listen…

First published: December 29, 2010.

Typo edited: June 13, 2014